The Virus Of The Stage

Being a worship pastor has been one of the greatest opportunities to serve in my life. I grew up a military brat and I traveled the world because of it. When you are the son of an Army General you grow up on the stage. No lights, no haze, no crowd, just all eyes on you every day. Every grade, every curse word, every bad penalty taken on the soccer field, every girlfriend, every date, every shift at the job, every speeding ticket, and every newspaper ever delivered on my bicycle was under the microscope of, that's the General's son. So when I entered full-time ministry at the age of 37 to become a worship pastor, it was a fairly easy transition for me to assume the mantle of being on stage again.

Different stage, big screen, lots of lights, huge congregation and once again all eyes were on me. I was under the microscope of Pastor now. I was once again my father's son. I understood service, I understood what it meant to be "on". I know what it's like to walk into a room and have all eyes on you simply because of the number of people you play in front of. I was on the job just three weeks when I was listed as one of the top 20 worship leaders in the country. I had only been a full-time worship pastor for 11 months. Being on the stage, meant a lot of this stuff just came with the job. It was a job, one I didn't realize I had been preparing for my entire life.

So what happens when it comes time to leave that job? What happens when the stage literally shifts under your feet. All of the sudden the reason you were on the stage is no longer the reason you are wanted on the stage? You try to preserve your culture, but the culture continues to shift. You try to leave a legacy and implant your DNA, but your legacy is being challenged by people who supposedly knew you best. You try to protect your teams and the volunteers you served alongside all those years, however, your volunteers, you are told, belong to the church. Obviously, there is a ton to unpack here but I want to do this in pieces in case there are others out there that have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience what I'm still processing.

I've learned over the years that when the potential for something evaporates I am no longer interested and need to move on. The problem with this philosophy is not everyone sees the potential you do. Not everyone has the same vision for what you have a vision for. Finally, your vision may not be what you were hired to bring about. It was like this for me in corporate business. When you arrive at the corporate office and realize you enjoyed the front lines better. To leave the corporate office pretty much ends your upward potential. So similar to a church. I arrived at the big church, big stage, big team, big resources, big sound and lights, and big opportunities. Often the case with larger churches is your focus narrows. Just like as a company grows, not every great idea gets equal time. Eventually, you end up in a culture of yes men and women where good ideas can only generated from the top down, but communication has multiple layers going up, losing translation with each layer but maintaining its ability to roll downhill at lightning speed, loud and clear. You quickly realize you feel a lot like a hamster on a wheel. Just do your job and keep this machine moving. No room for failure, no room for growth, no room for creativity or change. Now you realize the potential for a future that includes you or your vision in some capacity is gone, and you are not even sure when the bus left the station but it is gone, and you are no longer on it.

This is where I found myself more than a decade after pouring my heart and soul into being a worship pastor. I had good job offers after I made the decision to leave, but my family situation was changing. My girls were graduating and heading to college my wife had seniority and tenure in her job and our entire lives were wrapped up in this city, our community, our small group and those we did life with. The big salary was gone, the big stage was gone, and all of the sudden so were all the people that insulated you from the harsh reality that somehow the enemy gained a foothold and part of what you did became part of your identity. This is when the real pain began.

I have shed many tears of pain and anger. We tell ourselves all the time, our identity must come from our relationship with Christ. So you can only imagine the pain of realizing that no matter how I protected myself, no matter how many guardrails I had in place, no matter how nice and tight my hazmat suit was sealed up, that virus still got in. It got in because I brought it in with me.

Part of my self-worth was in my ability to use the gifts God gave me to create something special, to leave a mark, to impact a culture or take a team and make it better than the sum of its parts. Now the thing I spent years protecting myself from, is trapped inside with me and I am its only enemy.

I now lead worship for a much smaller church, I am back to doing the job that 5 people did for me at the larger church. I have a great opportunity at this new church to settle in and not relocate my family but still continue to lead worship, develop a team, and for the first time to be heard when it came to impacting change on a larger scale. But no hazmat suit this time. No way I am going to go through that again.

Where do you go when the job no longer feeds the virus? I don't know. I don't know if you can do your job well and not take pride in it. But we all know what the bible says about pride. I don't know how to pour yourself into people and their families for over a decade and then flip a switch and remove yourself from those communities. I don't know how to push yourself musicially and bring the best out of your team until the wow factor is acheieved, then act like eh' it was nothing. But I do know this. None of that is what God called his worship leaders to do. Our job is to simply facilitate a God-focused worship experience and stay out of God's way.

Nowhere did it say, arrange and produce a killer set with the city's best musicians, nowhere did it say to have a photographer capture great shots under the lights and haze so we can build our social media traffic. Nowhere did He ask us to produce a worship set that sounded exactly like what our congregation hears on the radio. We were never asked by God to own the best gear or write the hit songs. We were never asked by God to monetize our social media channel or build a fan base. We were never asked by God to launch our worship leaders into professional concert worship ministries. 

This is the virus of the stage.

God wants our character first, then He will use our competency. But we live in a world that tells us we have to lead by example in order to be relevant, however, all over this planet, there are tens of thousands of worship leaders that are relevant to their volunteers, to their congregations and to the families of those they serve with. They have no means to produce a killer set, no resources to buy the best gear, and no physical space big enough to light, haze and film a killer worship set to post on social media. I've been on both sides I've seen both worlds, and while ego, pride, self-righteousness can infect anyone at any level, I am writing this to caution those of you who will one day find themselves no longer on the big stage, no longer surrounded by the best players, and longer with any capability to produce and film something special that happens during worship and share it with the world.

Who do you want to be when the room goes dark, the career that should have never become a career comes to an end and with each passing day, you find yourself further and further away from where you thought you were going?

Me... I want to be a worship pastor who still finds pleasure in the beauty of a transparent song written to our creator, not to our congregation. I want to be a worshipper who still cries when it's just me and my instrument in an unfinished basement. I want to be a servant who will bring whatever gear he has left to help another musician find his/her gifting to serve at church. I want to be that lover of worship culture that always gives a guitar away or buys a guitar for a kid that wants to do what you do. I want to be that person who doesn't need a worship set to have their heart of worship validated. Some of you may read this and think this is just a bitter former worship leader whose time has come and gone and they weren't ready for the new reality. I hope that is not the case. I hope you will follow me on this journey so maybe I can spare some of you the pain of the virus of the stage before you are fighting for your spiritual lives. I know a lot of good came from my service in worship. I know lives were touched and people opened their hearts up to Christ because of songs and experiences they had during worship.

All I know is when my children put me in the ground and I have no more songs to write and no more words leave my lips in praise this side of heaven, I will be remembered not as a worship leader, but as a person who loved God and His presence and spent time in it. Even when that time was a painful detox from the virus that can be so easily misdiagnosed as worship ministry.

Silence Isn't Golden Anymore - Memorial Day 2015

I made a comment on a friend’s post on Facebook. “Please do not make Memorial Day political.” It sparked open a can of worms. People jumped to defending me, others jumped at defending my friend. I say that seriously, everyone in this debate, is truly good friends. So I will give you my personal perspective on this.  

Who makes up our military?

Our military is made up of Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, DHS (Dept. Homeland Security) and civilian personnel. There are 3.6 million serving, 14% of our active duty force are women, 82% of the military is college educated and 56% of them are married. 1/3 of our military classifies themselves as Black, African American, Asian, American Indian, Alaska Native, Native Hawaiian, Pacific Islander, unknown, or multi-racial. With 1/4 of our active duty officers being 41 years of age and older. 22% of active duty officers are between 26-30 and 18% of active duty officers are under the age of 25. Here is the kicker, 43% of our military, active and reservists, have children. Finally, there are over 21 different religions recognized as serving in the U.S. Military. Now that we have an understanding of who makes up our military, we can dispense with the notion that TV gives us, where our Generals are some crusty old guys with cigars, hell bent on flexing the mighty US War Machine for personal gain. However I recognize that many reading this think that exactly. The US has been at war with something or someone 93% of it’s years since 1776. Some of that can be considered the Cold War, the War on drugs, the war on Terror. But basically no president can actually call themselves a peace time president. The draft ended on January 27, 1973. So our military today is likely an all volunteer force. Mainly because anyone still left over from the draft days, is not being forced to stay in. Actually if promotions don’t occur in a timely manner, many are forced out.

Politicizing Memorial Day:

People can say what ever they want. That is the beauty of the freedom we exercise in this country. You can burn a flag, preach politics from a pulpit in church make movies about how bad our country is and even sell t-shirts with the American Flag displayed upside down in full distress. This is a freedom we have because of our military preserves it. But that doesn’t exempt those exercising that freedom from people exercising the freedom of response. We can respond in a variety of ways: not buying, not voting, not financially supporting, or with a vicious verbal and sometimes physical backlash. So yesterday when I read the posts from my friends, I just grieved a bit. One post said Memorial Day was a government hoax. Another said, “Memorial Day: Honor their deaths by questioning anyone calling for more of them.” I don’t know anyone calling for more deaths of military personal.  I do however understand that calling for war will ultimately mean more death. While many of you will say, it’s just Facebook, Ignore it. I believe silence Isn’t golden anymore. Too often silence has done more damage that speaking out and having the debate. If you are an abused child, tell someone. If you are a battered spouse, tell someone. If you are being stalked or bullied tell someone. If your friend is about to drive drunk, tell someone. But if your political view isn’t in step with your friends, their faith or your ethnic group, stay as quiet as possible and never talk about it…….What?

While I think the Memorial Day political posts were distasteful and disgusting, I understand where it comes from. Our military knows, when the politically expedient dust settles from all the debate, they will be the ones to give their lives when evil comes knocking. From experience, they also know, if they have to fight them eventually, then they would rather do it before the enemy, is well established, resourcing, and growing. So who are we talking about that is “calling for more of them?” Our politicians. 

There are no longer any veterans on the supreme court, and 2012 was the first presidential election were there was no veteran running on either side of the two parties. Congress, who has to approve a declaration of war, use to be 77% veterans and in 2014 was just around 20%. This doesn’t change the fact that every person in our military willingly choose to sign on the dotted line and place their country as more valuable then their life. No soldier can join the military these days and play the odds they will never see combat. Our military still runs on rank and order to make sure everyone moves in unison. Therefore, they all know they may be given an order that they disagree with, but still must carry out. Those decisions often cost the lives of service men and women. For me, this is where experience, education, history, faith, vision and fortitude must all converge at the same place…”Leadership”

Two weeks after Pearl Harbor The War Powers Act became law. Then a second WPA was made law several months later. Until 1973 Congress had to grant the president a declaration of war. In 1973 the War Powers Resolution was passed. This allowed the President to commit United States forces into an armed conflict without the consent of the congress. This might explain why things are called operations or conflicts and not actual wars. Most of our presidents, as Commander-In-Chief, still go to congress even though they don’t have to. 

So now that we know who actually has the power to send our troops to war, and who actually makes up our military, can I please come back to my initial comment? Memorial Day is about honoring those who died in combat. Even though I honor my father who was a retired Two-Star General on both Memorial Day and Veterans Day, my father did not die in combat. I am thankful I am not visiting his name on the wall in D.C. with 60,000 other soldiers names on it. Sure I can go and visit his grave at Arlington, but rather than a huge headstone in a private part of the cemetery at Arlington, my Dad wanted to be buried along side his men. So he chose the same headstone that is offered to the lowest ranking veteran at Arlington. Lowest Ranking, is that even possible when you are talking about someone who gave their life. My father commanded men and women in harms way, and has himself been ordered into combat. So when you post about how political Memorial Day is, I feel you disrespect the lives lost that gave you that right. Soldiers choose to put their life on the line because they believe this nation is the only thing preventing evil men from absolute power. They die, for their family's future and the soldier to their left and right. We have seen conflict and war since the beginning of time, prior to the U.S. ever existing, and if one day this nation should fall, we will still see evil, trying to flourish.  So, politically if you want to question those calling for more war, which was probably the heart behind these posts, you have to set aside your political parties, biases, and preconceived notions and demand more of people on the campaign trail, and in office, before they rise to a level or power where they can send our family members off to war.  As far as Memorial Day is concerned. Let them rest in peace by honoring their sacrifice. Let their families grieve their personal lost while a grateful nation comes along side them and holds them up and wipes away a tear. Then on Tuesday when the politics fires back up and all the TV specials are done. Demand more of everyone including yourself to be better. Some of you may think we’ve been at war because we have so many veterans in our political system. Some may believe it is time to have no military experience running the country.  I believe in Both/And. But I also believe perspective is learned through experience. When the lives of real men and women, with families and spouses are relegated to being called “Boots On The Ground” it shows that we have already begun the disassociation mentally from them as real people in our community. They become just numbers. When that occurs, you are on the precipice of Holocaust and Slavery. 

To my friends that posted, you know I love you guys, and you know I would lose respect for you if you pulled your post if you really believe that, just because you thought I was hurt by it, or caved to peer pressure. To my friends that came to my defense, I am so blessed to have you guys in my life. To my friends that came to another’s defense, this is why I love you. It is what binds us together into being something greater than the sum or our parts. It is what makes relationships work, the struggle standing in the gap for each other.

This is what Memorial Day is to me?

Every time I am in Washington DC. I go to the Lincoln Memorial and read these words carved into the interior wall.

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

 - AbrahamLincoln

How has being an Army Brat influenced the way you lead worship?

I went to dinner yesterday with a couple. I was asked one of the most interesting questions.  I thought I would share my answer in case it resonated with any other worship leaders.

Question: 

How has being an Army Brat influenced the way you lead worship?

Answer: 

Perspective & Authority

As my father came up through the ranks of the Army, Captain to Major, then to Lt. Col. Then full bird Col. to Brigadier General then Major General (two stars), I learned a valuable lesson in authority. I would be near my dad when soldiers would walk past and salute, or step into his office and stand at attention. He treated them with dignity and respect. Then a special phone would ring in our house and I would witness my Dad saying, “yes sir, that’s correct sir, I understand, thank you sir.”  When your dad is wearing two stars on his cap, and you hear him calling someone sir, you have a perfect perspective on authority, and an appreciation of how quickly that authority can shift.

Power & Responsibility

Then there were the receiving lines and change of command ceremonies. I would stand and shake the hands of royalty and military officers that had the power to start or finish wars, or at best, whose decisions had life and death consequences. Then I saw them at a school soccer or football game or coaching a local team with little kids. I think, seeing leadership from my father and other men with real power, created a healthy perspective for me on serving with authority.

Accountability & Behavior

Then there was accountability. In the military, there is a creed. If you cannot lead and manage your family, then you most likely won’t be able to lead your troops.  So very early on I had an understanding that my actions were a direct reflection of my father.  So how does all of this affect my worship leading?

Worship Leading Army Style

I have taken the stage in front of an audience of 2 guys eating a brown bag lunch at a college. I have also stood in front of multiple thousands of people at the Cintas Center. People ask what it feels like to play in front of all those people. My answer is, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been on stage my entire life. As the son of the Army’s top cop, I have always been watched even when I couldn’t see anyone watching. Coach Washington, my high school Physical Education teacher took a look at my report card in High School and said; “these aren’t the grades of a General’s son.”  So to take a physical stage and worship God in front of people, just didn’t register as performance. It registered as responsibility. A weight that I have always carried. I realize that everything I do, in life, in silence, in secret, online and on stage will always be a reflection of my father. Not just my earthly father, but most importantly my heavenly father.  I realize that while I may be in authority on stage, that I have a responsibility to serve and submit to authority at the same time. I am comfortable in my skin, because I’ve seen real leadership and real power. I lead unafraid because I’m not there to win the congregation over. I am there to do the right thing.  Humbly surrender to the authority that placed me there, and be the best reflection of the ultimate power and authority. We are at war but many times those we stand in front of to lead in worship are still behind the battle line and have not received word that the victory is already ours and freedom is at hand.